It’s hard to trust yourself when you have undiagnosed ADHD

Here is a guest blog post I wrote for the magnificent ADDitude Journal. I’ve learnt so much from there over the years since hearing about ADHD, so I was stoked to be able to write for them myself.

In the years before my ADHD diagnosis, I made my life easier with ideas from contributors with ADHD. It was a very useful place to learn about ADHD and ADHD strategies.

This piece has been kindly edited by the ADDitude Journal editors. If you’d like my help to build up your self-trust, you can book a coaching session with me.

“I Learned I Couldn’t Trust Myself, Then I Found I Had Undiagnosed ADHD.”

Unreliable. Unpredictable. Unfathomable.

These are the qualities of an untrustworthy person – qualities I lived and breathed while (trying) to manage my undiagnosed ADHD.

ADHD – especially untreated – is a condition of inconsistency. We’re inexplicably “on” one day and “off” the next. It causes us to struggle to understand our behaviors and work out why we did (or didn’t) do something.

I’d say one thing but do another; make a plan, then forget it. I’d blurt out random things and make the simplest mistakes. I was scared to make future commitments because I couldn’t be sure what I’d be like when the day arrived – brilliant, or so off that it was hard to leave the house.

I was inconsistent in mood, attention, behavior, focus, and even goals. I had no inkling that there was any pattern to it. I wanted to do interesting things but committing to something out of the ordinary – like writing this blog post – risked months of dread, guilt, and procrastination.

A lifetime of inconsistency led to some strange consequences. Making even a small error would trigger an intense emotional reaction. Around other people, I tried to stay quiet, to hold in the ‘weirdness.’ And I’d check my work again, again, and again….

Why Don’t I Trust Myself? The Roots of Inconsistency

Before I knew anything about ADHD, I thought I had a clear picture of the root of my problems: anxiety and low self-confidence. I worked my way through the go-to tools: cognitive behavioral therapy, books about social skills, special breathing techniques, you name it. I even read Self-Esteem for Dummies.

Over the years, it all helped. But while I could stand up straighter, smile at myself in the mirror, and name three of my greatest qualities, I still was caught in spirals of procrastination, zoning out, obsession, and impulsiveness.

My old friend anxiety kept my brain awake enough to let me drive a car, find my keys, and pay my bills. Low self-confidence kept me out of sticky situations but led to a smaller life over time.

Then I heard about inattentive ADHD and what it looks like in women. Many, many hours of research later, I was finally able to make sense of my experiences and actions. As I learned about executive dysfunction and common support strategies, I was able to recognize those I was already using – and where I was tripping myself up.

But I was also assured that my brain would inevitably function fabulously in certain situations. The wealth of insight around the web from people who live with ADHD nudged me toward greater self-awareness. (After I read on the web that an unofficial trait of ADHD is argumentativeness, I asked a friend if that applied to me. He laughed in my face – I think that’s a yes.)

I learned how to plan my day in a way that my brain can “see.” I do things at a pace and plan that works for me. For example, rather than write this blog post in one sitting, I’ve taken to writing it in multiple locations, while wearing ear plugs, for 15 minutes at a time, while checking in on my emotional state. No matter the task, I regularly ask myself, “How does my ADHD play into this?” and “What will make this task easier for Future Me?”

Learning to Trust Myself – Even with ADHD

I’ve experienced some unexpected changes now that I trust myself more. For one thing, I now believe that it’s okay to make mistakes. I can calm down after the inevitable Big Feelings, and I know how to motivate myself to make amends. I even have an “oops quota” – if I go over my limit, I know it’s a sign that I need to tweak my systems. My ADHD-friendly systems take care of me, and I take care of them.

I can also now resist the urge to apologize for being the way I am. True, if you say, “How are you?” I may tell you in exquisite detail, or I may stare at you and not be able to think of a response. So what? I’m learning the words to explain why I do what I do, without framing it as a deficit. I want to get good at standing up for my right to be myself.

Perfection isn’t a prerequisite for self-trust (or to gain the trust of others). It’s consistency in another form: knowing that I do my best, learn from my mistakes, practice honesty, and pull through most of the time. Understanding my version of ADHD has transformed my ability to trust myself.

Learning about ADHD not only solved the mysteries of my inconsistency, but it helped ease my anxiety and increase my confidence. It released me from the fear that I was simply a bad person. It freed me up to create new, better stories about myself. Now, I can be pretty sure that if I say I’ll do something, I’ll probably do it… like writing this blog post!